Poem Three

Look at me

And what do you see?

A new mummy

So why don’t I feel happy?

A daytime problem is loneliness

Often you can’t even be bothered to get dressed

All you want to do is cry

You can’t even explain the reason why

You sit and hope the phone will ring

And hope it’s not someone trying to sell you something

You feel trapped inside the same four walls

You can’t find the strength to go out at all

You say to people that everything’s well

You know you’re depressed, you just don’t wish to tell

“Society will give me that label”

“She can’t be a good mum, she is not able"

All you want is the best for your child

But your thoughts are driving you wild

What happens if my baby stops breathing?

In my state I’ll be accused of killing him

Thoughts like this make you feel crazy

You try to do something but just feel so lazy

Even when you go to bed

The thoughts still buzz around in your head

I should do this I should do that

I can’t eat that I am too fat

You try to find some comfort

Mine in fact was eating a lot

Not for hunger but because I was bored

“This is my last chocolate, no I’ll have just one more"

Then there is the guilt you feel

So you try to cut yourself a deal

I’ll diet tomorrow but tomorrow never comes

Your excuse is “I don’t have time now I’m a mum”

You still have feelings you’re going mad

These feelings just make you feel bad

Someone can talk and it goes over your head

You have a thousand and one other thoughts instead

If you are like me you’ll be hiding away

You will do this day after day

Anxiety is what you feel when your out

I remember just wanting to scream and shout

WILL EVERYONE STOP LOOKING AT ME

I KNOW I’M DEPRESSED BUT JUST LET ME BE

31 January 2003