My Story

This is the story of Blue Mummy, the brains behind the website.  I am 29 and gave birth to my first child-Kian on 27 July 2002.  I was diagnosed by my Health Visitor as suffering with PND in October 2002, three months after Kian was born.

Looking back I believe that I did get The baby blues a couple of days after his birth and it never did really lift.  I just thought that I was experiencing the normal feelings that new mothers have.  When I realised that it wasn't "normal" feelings I was ashamed or even in denial to admit that I was suffering with PND.  I was afraid of being labeled with the socially unacceptable tag of depression and being an unfit member of society.  Also too ashamed to tell family and friends as I felt like a total failure.

It is a subject that is now close to my heart as I have "been there, done that and got the T-shirt" (so to speak).  I know how others are feeling and express these feelings in my poems and on this website.  The website has allowed me to channel my energy away from the PND and focus on something positive.  I wanted to build a website where other sufferers could meet and reassure each other, make friends and gain information on PND.  There is little in way of support for men who's partners are suffering so my husband will be maintaining a page for the men too.

Anyway back to my story, you never know it may help you to realise that you are not going mad and that other people go through what you are going through or went through.

Kian suffered with Colic and spent most of the time awake and crying.  This got me down and his crying used to make me cry.  I used to mention it every time I went to Clinic and even to the Dr at his 8week check.  I was repeatedly told, its a phase and he will grow out of it.  This is not what I wanted to hear.  It made me feel a lack of faith in the health care professionals.  I was always tired too but I just put this down to getting up 3-6 times a night!!!

I don't really know anybody locally.  I do have one friend from work who lives in the village.  My family and friends all live over an hours drive away.  If I wanted to see them I found that I was always doing the traveling which I found very tiring and very stressful if Kian started crying.  My Mum and Step Dad live over two hours away and my Dad and step Mum live in the USA.  So I felt very isolated and alone with my son.

I was too embarrassed to take my son out due to the crying and people staring at us or making comments.  One old lady finally stopped me taking him out.  I was in Wilkinson's and Kian was crying, I will always remember where I was in the store and how I felt at the time.  Anyway she said to me "He was crying last time you were in here".  She was correct because I can remember her saying "Just pick him up" the previous time.  I just snapped at the poor lady that he suffered with Colic and that was why he was crying and her tune changed.  "Oh poor you, it's such shame".  It took me a couple of months and lots of confidence to actually take Kian out on my own.

Now, February 2003, I have just started back at work slowly building back up to my 12 1/2 hour shifts over an 8 week period.  I work as a nurse in Intensive Care and I am not ashamed to admit that I was actually scared of going back to work for a lot of reasons.  The biggest being that I was scared of not being able to cope and breaking down in front of people or getting judged by others.  It is strange being back but it is nice having some adult company!!!  No disrespect to Kian but there is only so much baby conversation you can have.

I am still taking antidepressants daily and the GP plans to wean me off them in April.  I confess that I still don't feel 100% my old self and find that I have good and bad days.  The things that get me down most are feeling tired all the time and Kian's crying.

I have written a poem about the crying.  I don't know what it is but I  just CAN'T HANDLE IT, something inside me seems to snap!!  I get really edgy and sometimes shout and then feel really guilty.  I found that writing poems helped me to offload my feelings and make me feel better.  I have had some counseling and it was the counselor who suggested writing.  I just found that poems kept coming into my head.  I have put them on the website for others to enjoy.

I decided to build this website to be truthful about PND.  What it is, The Symptoms, Treatments, Support for Dads and to have a place where sufferers could meet.  I found that the internet and talking to other sufferers really helped me to realise that I wasn't going mad and also to get some much needed supported.  This is what I hope to gain from this site.  Any comments then please contact me.

Thank you for your time

Blue Mummy