Bluemummy Now

03/03/2005

This is a new area to the site to keep you updated on my progress.  My son is now 11 months old and I do still have PND.  I think it is a slower recovery this time around as it is very hard work having two children under 3.  The thing I hate is feeling constantly tired, wake up knackered.  Joys of being a mum or just a sign of depression???

I also hate the fact that I am a totally different person, a person that I don't like.  Grumpy, stress out easily, tired all the time, have no sense of humour what so ever, no sex drive what so ever and keep getting mouth ulcers.  Apart from that I am fine!!!!  Just plodding on with life and smiling my way through so to speak.  This website is good therapy when the boys are in bed.

Kian my eldest is covered head to foot with chicken pox and has been having fevers of 40C.

11 April 2005

Well today my lil monster is feeling a lot better.  He let me take these photos of his "spots":

A problem that we have is that Kian is a big bully to his little brother since he started crawling.  He states that everything is his and constantly hits and pushes his brother over!!!  This can be quite stressful in itself, but I guess this is just normal behaviour.

12 April 2005

Back to work full time and it is very tiring but I am surviving.  Did my first 12 1/2 hour shift on Sunday and again today and have survived.  Kian's chicken pox are going down, he is back at nursery so I can go back to work.  Still not sleeping at night which is making me feel really tired during the day!!!!!

20 May 2005

Well I am back to work full time and I am back into the swing of things.  I am down to 100mg on my sertaline but not sure how effective this is as am finding that I am moody, short fused and need I say more.  However this is just at home and not at work.  I think the biggest problem that I have is that I has lost myself as a person.  What do I mean by this?  Well I do not like myself anymore, my moods, my appearance and this has a knock on effect on my depression.  I hate the fact that I am 10 stone when I was always 8 1/2 before my boys, people keep asking if I am expecting again and I am just FAT!!!!  Why because my comfort blanket seems to be food!!!  The sweeter the more comforting!!!!   Anyway keep saying I must go on a diet but just need to get motivated to do it!!!!

1 June 2005

Right I will just have to face facts that it is taking a lot longer to beat pnd this time.  In fact I may have to confess that I might not have beaten it completely last time.  I did find myself pre-natally depressed in my second pregnancy and had counselling.  Like many do I just blamed hormones!!!  I tell you hormones have a lot to answer for.  I am still losing the plot at home and wondering what sort of psychological effect this will have on my sons.  I started Kian on Omega 3 oils yesterday to see if that calms him and his temper tantrums a bit so will let everyone know on here.  Hubby is as bad as me and very quick tempered and admits he is depressed he started taking St Johns Wart and gave up!!!  He has counselling for the first time.  I believe he suffered male PND both times but it is only just becoming recognised.  Oh well watch this space.  Have gone back to being mega tired but hey working full time with two small sons and housework ALL left to me unless I moan for long enough!!!!!

7 June 2005

Still mega tired but some of that is self inflicted.  For example I like time to myself in the evening after the boys have gone to bed so I go online and sell on ebay and try to keep the site updated but sometimes I don't get to bed until midnight and the boys have me up at 6am unless I am working and then they seem to lie in.  Hence a big reason for being so tired!!!!

29 June 2005

Well back to work full time managing to get out and about with the boys a bit more now.  Kaelin is just starting to take his first steps alone bless him.  Kians birthday is coming up and we are having a party at brewers fayre Fun Factory for an easy life for me!!!!  Am just about to decrease my dose of antidepressants to 50mg and change my contraceptive pill as I am putting on weight and feel it may be related to the pill.  You can now purchase a bluebell pin badge to show support for pnd/pni from my ebay store all money going to the charity.  http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=69539&item=6184136605&rd=1&ssPageName=WD1V

11 July 2005

Day one of weight watchers diet as now nearly 10 1/2 stone and still getting asked if I am pregnant again!!!!   Which I am not.  20 points so watch this space.  Cycle to work is the plan and to start swimming again.

8 November 2005

I didn't realise that I hadn't written on here for so long.  Hard to find a minute to myself what with working full time with two young boys and then all the housework.  I am still between 10 and 10 1/2 stone!!!  Diet didn't last long and neither did cycling to work!!!  Still on my to do list.  Well I have been down to 50mg and now back at 150mg of Sertaline.  Had my first counselling session on 4 November.  Got asked where I learnt to put myself down and that I have low self esteem.  Started to write a new poem as well.  I have also stopped taking the pill.

10 February 2006

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE. Naughty me I must try to keep this updated more often.  Still finding that I am feeling exhausted all of the time but still working full time.  Have been seeing a counsellor and she has advised no night shifts (at work) for approx 6 months. YEAH!!!!!!  I am on 100mg of Sertaline now.  Must loose weight as that is depressing me more as up to 11 stone now!!!  Beach Whale.  Still not cycling to work BUT have started football training again as work allows.

13 February 2006

I have seen Sally my counsellor today and I do believe that she can really help me to understand myself because I sure as hell don't understand myself right now, well to be honest I never had. Oh well watch this space because if I start to understand my feelings then I may be able to cope or even get over the depression.  Here is hoping.

19 March 2006

I don't know if I have mentioned anywhere before about me becoming a angry person.  Mainly angry with myself.  Well I am mega mega angry with myself at the moment as I went to a Jumble Sale at the Scout hut yesterday and then managed to loose my purse never to be found again.  It had £15 cash (luckily no more) and all my store cards.  Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare I am sure I have pre-senile dementia you know.

I have a plan for getting fit.  I am now the proud owner of a lateral thigh trainer (LTT) so hope to tone up using this and also loose so of the excess pounds.

27 March 2006

Only 1000 and note to self today is grow a brain!!!!!  Very cross with myself turned up for my counsellor appointment at 1000 and the appointment was at 0915!!!!!  DOH what a Homer Simpson.  Last weekend I lost my purse, I am sure I am losing the plot now.

30 April 2006

Getting stronger I believe.  Myself and my husband are undergoing Hypnotherapy to help cope with relationship problems that have occurred due to my illness.  We are currently seeing top Hypnotherapist Ursula James to help us individually and as a couple.  I have had two hypnotherapy sessions now and recommend it to anyone.  It really does show you how powerful the human brain is and how your subconscious mind controls you!!!!  Anyway I am gonna do a page just on Hypnotherapy and Ursula will be writing a piece on how hypnotherapy can help depression.

9 November 2006

Oh my how disgraceful I have not updated the site for so long and so much has changed since April.  The biggest change being that I have separated from my husband!!!!!